I can see the ugly mixed, avocado green, short loop carpeting between my toes. As I sit cross-legged, I can actually feel my granny gown pulled over my knees. I can feel the soft, worn flannel. The gown is buttoned to my neck and it has long sleeves with a little ruffle that is way too tight. My sisters are sitting beside me on the floor. It is Saturday morning, sometime in the early 1970’s.
We were allowed to watch cartoons. We didn’t even care if we had breakfast. The television was on and we got to watch.
Our toes were almost perfectly lined up. Lined up with about a two foot long piece of masking tape. My father, yes, well-educated (more so than most), had determined that if young ladies were going to watch television, they were to stay behind the tape. He actually put a piece of masking tape on the carpet in the middle of the room. (sometimes, when he went away on business my mother would take it off and just tell us to stay back) If we got too close to the television we would get radiation and then Cancer. He was not a fan of girls not dressed in day clothing, sitting on the floor, however he let that go. He was not allowing us to be stupid enough to get radiation from the electronic box in his home.
So yesterday, I was thinking of my father. He died a few years back, now. He died of three kinds of Cancer. He died of Liver failure. So, as I sat in a room being told I had Cancer, I thought of all the reasons why this could have happened to me. Maybe way too many x-rays for my five leg surgeries? Maybe I “cheated” and crossed the masking tape line, once or twice. I was sort of like that as a little girl. Always, pushing just an inch or two beyond what was appropriate, wanting to be just a bit naughty.
So for someone who is afraid of medical and dental appointments, is embarrassed and ashamed and is modest beyond, this is the perfect punishment. For someone who does not care for low-cut tops, not even v-necks, too tight of sweaters, thinks it is crass, low-class, not appropriate and unlady like to wear such things………..this is kick you when you are down perfect.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on my blog. Then I decided, I am in way over my head as it is, lying and trying not to tell people who have been kind enough to follow me would be too much to juggle. So there you have it. No big fanfare, no huge microphone announcement. The plain ugly, horrid, soul crushing, truth. It feels a little weird to say this, but for a person who started out writing this blog so I could sleep through the night, now I feel like I would like to share a bit as to why I might not feel up to writing every day. Or sharing a recipe. In a very lovely way, I feel like I want to give you a little insight into my hit or miss postings to come. In a strange way, it feels nice that I want to answer to some of the people who have been following me on this journey.
I was sort of hoping that I could still write here about things that are in my life. Recipes I find interesting or good. Not that I feel like eating right now. I never ever wanted to be one of “those” people who go from medical appointment to appointment. I always thought of myself as a happy, kind spirit that was swirling and twirling through life, thinking everything was going to be good. I sort of thought that I had an angel on my shoulder watching over me. Mr. Right says maybe she is working overtime and trying to help as much as possible, juggling plates like on the Ed Sullivan show. I said she was twirling her hair, chatting with friends and went out for a latte.
I am angry and crushed and can’t see straight. I have no feeling of hope or goodness. It sure is easy to be positive and hopeful and uplifting when you are not in the mud of a horrid mess. Couple things I have discovered in less than 19 hours. 1. I hate the pink ribbons. I heard from a friend, she didn’t want to wear a certain colored ribbon to show her pain to the world. 2. I have friends I have known since I was five and friends I have met once or twice. All kinds have tried to say the right thing. 3. Thank you for saying “let us know what we can do for you”, however, I am too hurt and stomped upon and crushed and battered to even know what to come up for you to do to make you or me feel better. 4. I had no idea a person could feel this dreadful this lost. 5. Hello, universe, I didn’t really need this to remind me what a steadfast, rock of a husband Mr. Right is. I know how good I have it. 6. I didn’t know a person could cry this much.
So Dad, if you are reading this, I guess the masking tape didn’t work.