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I want to fly away.

It’s been a whole day or so, and yep, I still want Cowgirl boots.  I have no idea what I would wear them with.  Maybe I would wear them with the stupid, ugly, embarrassing gown that I have to put on every stupid time I go to the hospital?cowgirl boots, swirls  Instead of wearing the poor me, pathetic little fuzzy socks to “keep me comfy”.  I would wear fierce, kick ass cowgirl boots with swirls and sass and attitude.  I don’t have much attitude in me, lately.  Maybe wearing cowgirl boots everywhere would scream to the world I am FIERCE?  No words needed.  I have to be careful what I ask for.  Mr. Right is on a mission to give me anything I want.  To spend $500.00 on a pair of boots just to feel fierce, seems a bit much. No, we do not have an envelope for “Kick ass Cowgirl boots”.  Maybe we should?

I have a cell phone.  I love my phone.  I don’t really like talking on it.  I like reading e-mails and texting.  On some days lately, I have had a lump (hang on, not really, just figuratively speaking) in my throat and tears ready to spill over…so texting has been a wonderful answer to still talking with others.  I had a lady like cell phone cover.  Palest of pink, with pretty pale pink flowers with a cell phone cover twobutterfly and it was sweet and lovely and I SMASHED to pieces with a HAMMER.  Yeah, you read that correctly.  I SMASHED the tar out of it.  Then I kept going and SMASHED the little parts into dust.  I even managed to make a few marks in the concrete.

I bought a new cell phone cover.  Three weeks ago, I would have called it trashy looking, inappropriate and certainly not something I would ever choose or pay money for.  Today, I would call it FIERCE.   When I went to pay the girl said, it is $2.00 extra because of all the bling.  I said, ring it up, sister!cell phone cover I have never in my life felt so mad and angry and out of control.  It is something new for me.  It is very un-lady like and to be honest, I want to cuss like a sailor.   I want to beat the crap out of a pinata.  I feel like I am grasping at anything that will give me courage and a feeling of strength.  I don’t feel very graceful.    I wish I was a pilot and could fly away from all of this ugly stuff.

The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it.  Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests. ~epictetus

cooking, grace, grateful, healing, recipe

Say Grace, I found some courage in a mason jar.

I think I want a pair of kick ass cowgirl boots.  Yep, I want them.  I have always wanted them.  I am going to find a pair that makes me feel fierce.  I am going to wear them.  cowgirl boots

I am one lucky girl and I have an amazing fierce boyfriend that I have been hanging out with for over 31 years.  He is my rock.  He is sturdy and loyal and smart and strong and my list could go on and on.  I am leaning on his shoulders. He says he can handle it, give him what I got.  Bring it on baby!  However, there is another “man” in my life.  You might have heard of him.  He just sort of seems like someone who could handle just about anything. I sort of imagine that he could and would fix any problem I might have.   I love this quote which is credited to him.  “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”  John Wayne.

Giddy up, sunlight is burning.   Speaking of sunlight, I love my sunburst juice.  Mr. Right makes it for me every single night.  It has been seven days so far.  Sure, sure, we make great juice every evening, however, this is my morning juice I am talking about.  It is my very own glass of sunshine.  He juices it, puts it into a mason jar and tightly screws on the lid.  Then in the morning, I give it a rock and roll shake and add a sassy straw and I am ready to rumble.  It tastes like sunshine in a jar. sunburst

Here is the recipe:  three carrots (scrubbed clean with vinegar, then rinse in water), one peeled orange, one red pepper (again scrub the dickens out of it), 1/2 a peeled lemon. Toss them all in the juicer and the magical elixir will come out all golden, glowing, orange and healing.

So for you number freaks out there ( I love this part, so I guess that makes me a freak).  Mr. Right will be making my sunshine, healing  juice (he promised, he has never broken a promise)  every day for 5 years!  That is:  1,826 oranges, 5,478 carrots, 1,826 red bell peppers and 913 lemons.  That is a whole lot of healing. That is equal to about 470 mg of Vitamin C per glass full.

Tighten that belt on your fluffy, white, cozy bathrobe, turn up some uplifting, loud, music,  raise your glass to toast yourself, SAY GRACE and for the love of finding courage in a mason jar, drink deeply friend.  Cheers to our good health!

grace, haPPY, pure goodness

don’t forget the fun and happy parts

We are working on watching a funny video or seeing a funny movie every single day.  We are embarking on looking for happiness and funny and silly and giggles.  I asked on Face book over the weekend for everyone’s favorite, all time, funny movies.  Mine just happens to be “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”.

Then I got to thinking, there are funny, happy, cheerful things everywhere.  I went to you tube and watched several little clips of pure humor. I found some pictures this morning that just made me smile.  Love to hear your suggestions for movies or humor or just about anything that makes you and your family laugh, I mean real honest to goodness belly laughs or giggle and I DO mean giggle until you almost pee your pants…….ya, I just typed that!  ha

A sweet neighbor brought over a bunch of tangerine colored Gerbera Daisies last night.  And that’s not all.  She is on a diet (between you and me, have no idea why, she is pretty and perfect the way she is) anyhoo, she made us Brownies and she used coconut flour!  No she did not eat one.  No she is not a fan of health food.  She made them for us.  Can you really believe that?  She went out of her way to make something that we would love and enjoy.  Yes, Virginia there are really kind-hearted, extremely thoughtful,  lovely people in our world.  orange gerbera daisies

I love the window washers at the Children’s Hospital in Pittsburg.window washers

I love pomegranates.  I don’t like all the little red specks on my counter and back splash and me and the fruit basket and on and on.  Maybe I am being too serious?  I love this girl’s spirit.pomagranate stained feetI really love the bracing wind and chill while riding a Washington state ferry!  It was exhilarating to say the least.  It makes you feel alive and fresh and happy.  Yep, that’s me! I was on the Tacoma yesterday, riding my way to Bainbridge Island, Washington.

Life is full of choices, I am trying to choose HAPPY.

ferry boat ride

good behavior, grateful

I will be in the park on Saturday.

Saturday in the park
I think it was the Fourth of July
Saturday in the park
I think it was the Fourth of July
People talking, people laughingbikes in the park
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
(Fake Italian lyric)
Can you dig it (yes, I can)
And I’ve been waiting such a long time
For Saturday

Of course by Chicago.

Today is the one and only Saturday that I will be sick.  I made the decision today.  You know, “those” people who try those funky crazy diets and they eat a grapefruit a day and a bowl of cabbage, then one day a week they take a pass.  They get to spend one day a week eating: frozen corn dogs, poptarts, store-bought baked goods, Funyuns (remember those?), fast food, ice cream, ding dongs etc….. you get where I am going with this list.  They are on a “diet”, but one day a week they get to act like their old self.  They splurge and act crazy and wild.  They relax and basically thumb their noses at proper nutrition (if you think eating a bowl of cabbage is proper nutrition).

Anyhoo, from this day forward, I am taking Saturday off.  I am not going to be sick on one day a week.  I will not speak of being sick.  I will not answer one email from someone inquiring about me.  I will not answer one phone call or one text message of someone feeling sorry for me or praying for me.  I will not open one get well card.  I will not shed one tear.  EVEN if I am sicker than a poor old dog on Friday, Saturday I will be fine and dandy.  I will shop like normal people.  I will do errands and catch up on the week.  I will do laundry and vacuum.  I will ride my bike and act like every other person.     From this moment on, I will actually only be sick for six days a week.  So if any of you need a “let’s go grab a coffee chum”, a partner in crime to check out the latest plants at a nursery, or if there is a trip to the zoo planned with the  grandgirlies………….you can count on me.  I will spend the day being grateful for what I have.  I will be gracious and use good manners all day long.  I will not fret or stew or grumble.  If I do feel an ache or pain……….I will chalk it up to getting old, just like everyone else.  period.bench in park

whew, that’s done, she said brushing her hands together to dust off the hard work of coming up with this gem.

Actually, first time I have been proud of myself in two weeks.  I almost forgot how nice it feels to come up with a good idea.

“It’s the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” tallulah bankhead

grateful

angels among us

I was gently reminded today that my angel didn’t leave me, she just happens to live in Chicago.  Yeah, who knew? Not the kind that wears a white net tutu.  An angel who tells the ugly truth and then will let you cry it out.

Oh yes, I have five more angels in Washington state.  I found another two today, living in California.  Then there was one angel living in Indiana.  Who knew I had an angel watching over me that lives in Pennsylvania?  Then I talked to one angel today, she has the kindest soul & spirit, she lives in Vermont.

Here I was thinking my angel left me to go for a latte.  not a chance.  I seem to have been gently reminded that I have a choir of angels watching over me.   They are tough, strong and can handle the stress.  They have big shoulders that can carry the burden.

Oh there are angels among us….and I for one am GRATEFUL.Valentine woof and poof

food review

pity party with store bought cookies

horrid day.  awful.  running on three days no sleep.  nervous wreck for appointment. sobbing much sobbing.  iv was a disaster from the start.  went to go buy a woof and poof angel after as a reward to myself………..none to be had. guess woof and poof angels are not to be my thing.   turns out, me being sick scares some “friends”.  guess they are not as tough and strong and brave as they suggested I should be.

being lonely is tough. brain feels like a gray colored slushie they forgot to add the extra chemicals and artificial colorings to.

bought a box of these:kona cookiesdecided to eat the entire box.  they are pretty darn tasty. they have good flavor and a nice little icing.  works in a pinch if you cannot work up the effort to make some coffee or go out to buy a cup.  i ended up eating three, wow, i am a wild girl.  i am sort of hoping tomorrow is a better day. honestly can’t see how it can get much worse.  won’t temp fate at this point.

Some days turn to Hell faster than others.

grace

masking tape didn’t work

I can see the ugly mixed, avocado green, short loop carpeting between my toes.   As I sit cross-legged,  I can actually feel my granny gown pulled over my knees.  I can feel the soft, worn flannel.  The gown is buttoned to my neck and it has long sleeves with a little ruffle that is way too tight.  My sisters are sitting beside me on the floor.  It is Saturday morning, sometime in the early 1970’s.

We were allowed to watch cartoons.   We didn’t even care if we had breakfast.  The television was on and we got to watch.

Our toes were almost perfectly lined up.  Lined up with about a two foot long piece of masking tape.   My father, yes, well-educated (more so than most), had determined that if young ladies were going to watch television, they were to stay behind the tape. He actually put a piece of masking tape on the carpet in the middle of the room.  (sometimes, when he went away on business my mother would take it off and just tell us to stay back)  If we got too close to the television we would get radiation and then Cancer.  He was not a fan of girls not dressed in day clothing, sitting on the floor, however he let that go.  He was not allowing us to be stupid enough to get radiation from the electronic box in his home.

So yesterday, I was thinking of my father.  He died a few years back, now.  He died of three kinds of Cancer.  He died of Liver failure.  So, as I sat in a room being told I had Cancer, I thought of all the reasons why this could have happened to me.  Maybe way too many x-rays for my five leg surgeries?  Maybe I “cheated” and crossed the masking tape line, once or twice.  I was sort of like that as a little girl.  Always, pushing just an inch or two beyond what was appropriate, wanting to be just a bit naughty.

So for someone who is afraid of medical and dental appointments, is embarrassed and ashamed and is modest beyond, this is the perfect punishment.  For someone who does not care for low-cut tops, not even v-necks, too tight of sweaters, thinks it is crass, low-class, not appropriate and unlady like to wear such things………..this is kick you when you are down perfect.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on my blog.   Then I decided, I am in way over my head as it is, lying and trying not to tell people who have been kind enough to follow me would be too much to juggle.  So there you have it.  No big fanfare, no huge microphone announcement.  The plain ugly, horrid, soul crushing, truth.  It feels a little weird to say this, but for a person who started out writing this blog so I could sleep through the night, now I feel like I would like to share a bit as to why I might not feel up to writing every day.  Or sharing a recipe.  In a very lovely way, I feel like I want to give you a little insight into my hit or miss postings to come. In a strange way, it feels nice that I want to answer to some of the people who have been following me on this journey.

I was sort of hoping that I could still write here about things that are in my life.  Recipes I find interesting or good.  Not that I feel like eating right now.   I never ever wanted to be one of “those” people who go from medical appointment to appointment.  I always thought of myself as a happy, kind spirit that was swirling and twirling through life, thinking everything was going to be good.  I sort of thought that I had an angel on my shoulder watching over me.  Mr. Right says maybe she is working overtime and trying to help as much as possible, juggling plates like on the Ed Sullivan show.  I said she was twirling her hair, chatting with friends and went out for a latte.

I am angry and crushed and can’t see straight.  I have no feeling of hope or goodness.  It sure is easy to be positive and hopeful and uplifting when you are not in the mud of a horrid mess.  Couple things I have discovered in less than 19 hours.  1.  I hate the pink ribbons.  I heard from a friend, she didn’t want to wear a certain colored ribbon to show her pain to the world.   2.  I have friends I have known since I was five and friends I have met once or twice.  All kinds have tried to say the right thing.  3.  Thank you for saying “let us know what we can do for you”, however, I am too hurt and stomped upon and crushed and battered to even know what to come up for you to do to make you or me feel better.  4.  I had no idea a person could feel this dreadful this lost.  5.  Hello, universe, I didn’t really need this to remind me what a steadfast, rock of a husband Mr. Right is. I know how good I have it.  6.  I didn’t know a person could cry this much.

So Dad, if you are reading this, I guess the masking tape didn’t work.