grace

masking tape didn’t work

I can see the ugly mixed, avocado green, short loop carpeting between my toes.   As I sit cross-legged,  I can actually feel my granny gown pulled over my knees.  I can feel the soft, worn flannel.  The gown is buttoned to my neck and it has long sleeves with a little ruffle that is way too tight.  My sisters are sitting beside me on the floor.  It is Saturday morning, sometime in the early 1970’s.

We were allowed to watch cartoons.   We didn’t even care if we had breakfast.  The television was on and we got to watch.

Our toes were almost perfectly lined up.  Lined up with about a two foot long piece of masking tape.   My father, yes, well-educated (more so than most), had determined that if young ladies were going to watch television, they were to stay behind the tape. He actually put a piece of masking tape on the carpet in the middle of the room.  (sometimes, when he went away on business my mother would take it off and just tell us to stay back)  If we got too close to the television we would get radiation and then Cancer.  He was not a fan of girls not dressed in day clothing, sitting on the floor, however he let that go.  He was not allowing us to be stupid enough to get radiation from the electronic box in his home.

So yesterday, I was thinking of my father.  He died a few years back, now.  He died of three kinds of Cancer.  He died of Liver failure.  So, as I sat in a room being told I had Cancer, I thought of all the reasons why this could have happened to me.  Maybe way too many x-rays for my five leg surgeries?  Maybe I “cheated” and crossed the masking tape line, once or twice.  I was sort of like that as a little girl.  Always, pushing just an inch or two beyond what was appropriate, wanting to be just a bit naughty.

So for someone who is afraid of medical and dental appointments, is embarrassed and ashamed and is modest beyond, this is the perfect punishment.  For someone who does not care for low-cut tops, not even v-necks, too tight of sweaters, thinks it is crass, low-class, not appropriate and unlady like to wear such things………..this is kick you when you are down perfect.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on my blog.   Then I decided, I am in way over my head as it is, lying and trying not to tell people who have been kind enough to follow me would be too much to juggle.  So there you have it.  No big fanfare, no huge microphone announcement.  The plain ugly, horrid, soul crushing, truth.  It feels a little weird to say this, but for a person who started out writing this blog so I could sleep through the night, now I feel like I would like to share a bit as to why I might not feel up to writing every day.  Or sharing a recipe.  In a very lovely way, I feel like I want to give you a little insight into my hit or miss postings to come. In a strange way, it feels nice that I want to answer to some of the people who have been following me on this journey.

I was sort of hoping that I could still write here about things that are in my life.  Recipes I find interesting or good.  Not that I feel like eating right now.   I never ever wanted to be one of “those” people who go from medical appointment to appointment.  I always thought of myself as a happy, kind spirit that was swirling and twirling through life, thinking everything was going to be good.  I sort of thought that I had an angel on my shoulder watching over me.  Mr. Right says maybe she is working overtime and trying to help as much as possible, juggling plates like on the Ed Sullivan show.  I said she was twirling her hair, chatting with friends and went out for a latte.

I am angry and crushed and can’t see straight.  I have no feeling of hope or goodness.  It sure is easy to be positive and hopeful and uplifting when you are not in the mud of a horrid mess.  Couple things I have discovered in less than 19 hours.  1.  I hate the pink ribbons.  I heard from a friend, she didn’t want to wear a certain colored ribbon to show her pain to the world.   2.  I have friends I have known since I was five and friends I have met once or twice.  All kinds have tried to say the right thing.  3.  Thank you for saying “let us know what we can do for you”, however, I am too hurt and stomped upon and crushed and battered to even know what to come up for you to do to make you or me feel better.  4.  I had no idea a person could feel this dreadful this lost.  5.  Hello, universe, I didn’t really need this to remind me what a steadfast, rock of a husband Mr. Right is. I know how good I have it.  6.  I didn’t know a person could cry this much.

So Dad, if you are reading this, I guess the masking tape didn’t work.

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “masking tape didn’t work”

  1. Cancer SUCKS, it sucks whenever anyone has it. It super SUCKS that you have it.
    I’m glad you decided to share. It gives us all a chance to do what ever it is we can, to lift you and your family up. I’m sure most of us will try and I’m guessing some of us will fall short, but at least we can try.
    I’ve admired your abliities to write enspiring words. You seem to always be able to express yourself so well. Right now I wish I could barrow that abilitiy and write something to support and comfort you. Alas I am not blessed with those abilities. So please know that I will be praying for you and your family more than “normal” until this crap is long gone and you are at your best once again.
    You are a light in my life. I love you. I hope I can live up to the word “friend” and not let you down. If I do, please forgive me. I mean only the best for you,
    I’m here until we are old women together come rain or shine… so good luck getting rid of me.

    1. You are doing fine. Thanks for stopping by. Just spend your time and energy on Aiden and you will feel happy and good. Spending your time, doing what you are suppose to do.
      This is just too big to overcome. Nothing can fix all this mess.
      You will be okay. Aiden will help you smile and figure all this out.
      Thank you so much for your generous bouquet of tulips that arrived today. That made me get up, stop sobbing for a few minutes, answer the door, smile and say thank you to another human, the delivery man, then smile when I read the card. You did everything well for me today.
      Thanks, Daleen

  2. I am ANGRY!! Angry, angry, angry!! I can’t help. I know my anger does nothing. I can’t change anything. I can’t make you well. My words have no power… I will try to understand, but I really can’t. I have been in that place, where the pain of life is so deep, where the world disappears, and I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t do anything , and I didn’t know what to do, and I felt lost and I couldn’t think… On those days when you feel this way, I will breathe for you, move for you, do for you, until you are able to once again do for yourself, and all the others that you have done it for before now. I can’t be there with you but from here I will try to do my best. I send you much love my friend.

  3. I never liked when people would say “I’m praying for you” (and don’t even get me started on “thinking of you”!) It seemed like if you ever followed-up with them they actually weren’t praying for you and, in all honesty, they were just saying it as a nice phrase that they knew you would like to hear. Well, Miss Daleen, I AM praying for you – for real. Authentic open heart before the Lord prayer (Luke 18:1). For healing for your tender heart, comfort in your mourning, beauty for your ashes, for a strengthened spirit and that what seems to be ruined may be repaired (Is. 61:1-4). For peace, patience, endurance and healing.

    I wish I could properly portray and explain how my heart weeps and laments for your broken heart right now. My heart hurts for how you are hurting.

    Love you,
    Tracey
    2 Cor. 1:3-11

    1. Thanks for saying such nice things. I actually believe you are telling the truth. I don’t for one minute let your young age make me think otherwise. I appreciate and value your kindness. On that same note, thank you so much for all the extra work you are doing to help Mr. Right at work. I am sincerely sorry for all the extra you have to do to help out. If I could see or think straight I would gladly help you out. Somehow, I am thinking you don’t want my twirling brain to touch your organized work area. I agree with you about hearing “praying for you” or “thinking of you”. I try and remember to send a post card to really let folks know I am indeed praying for them or have lit our prayer candle.
      Thanks for stopping by and for taking the time to pray for me. I can’t really do it for myself right now, so thanks for stepping in to help.
      Love ya back, D

      1. Psshhh, I’d MUCH rather work with your “twirling” brain than some of the agents I have been working with lately, hehehe : ) And, truly truly truly, it is no problem at all. Its good for my brain to learn new things every once and a while! P.S. I get paid to work for 8 hrs. so whatever the task at hand I am happy to do it!

  4. Thanks for thinking of it that way and not a huge burden. Even if I forget to mention it from time to time, thanks for all that you are doing to help Mr. Right. He is a really good guy and he is trying to juggle lots of swirling plates right now. You are appreciated and of value to us. Thanks a million. D

  5. I am so sorry. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to find the words–there are none. Reading your story, I was immediately drawn back to when your words were mine..”I am angry and crushed and can’t see straight. I have no feeling of hope or goodness. I am too hurt and stomped upon and crushed and battered. I had no idea a person could feel this dreadful, this lost.” Maybe that’s why I’m crying. There has not been enough distance or time since I went through my own Gethsemine. Seems odd to say, but thankfully, my soul-stretching journey did not involve cancer. It was, however, specifically designed for me by a loving Heavenly Father who knew what it would take to draw me to Him in a way that nothing else could. Even as I say the words, I’m not sure I fully believe them…yet. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, going through the motions, trusting that His grace will heal my soul, if not my body. We will each find His purpose in what we are asked to endure. And it will bring you closer to Him and to those you love. You are such a lovely, strong, person who has brought goodness and light into this world. That goodness and light WILL flow back to you. There truly are no words..the only way through it is through it. Remember, the darkest night cannot hold back the dawn. I am so sorry and want you to know there is enough love to sustain you.

    1. Thank you for stopping by and talking to me. I can’t really help myself right now, so even thou, it feels strange to me to say, thanks for helping me. I keyed in on your words too, “there is enough love to sustain you”. Might be worthy of cross stitching so I can memorize it like a fourth grader learning a Bible verse. Thanks for helping me today. I appreciate and value your kindness. D

  6. My dear, please do not think you are being punished. You are loved and adored by many, including me and God. Please don’t think too much. Just BE. We will all take care of the praying….We are here for you….xo Joanne

  7. Standing steadfast in your corner praying without ceasing. Words don’t seem enough right now and everything I think to say ends up sounding downright silly…(((HUGS)))

  8. listen here Missy you are one of the most inspirering women i know the way you run your house …..no your life just amazes me! strait up crazy i wish i could do all the things you do and make it it look so incrediably easy heck half the stuff you do and i would be happy! so in saying that if you put even half your energy fighting this mess youll come out on top if not in the clouds somehow you always seemed to be able to do anything you put your mind to and do it like you would make a cake no thinking envolved !!!!!!!!! and sence you dont like pink what is your favorit color? ill were that insted i might even get on of the amzing pedicures and paint my toes that color 🙂 so that way every time i see them i think of you i know that sounds insaine or weird but hey who cares so it better be something wild and crazy!!!!!! i hope i could make your day just a bit better

    thinking of you all the way from honduras

    i love you lots

    1. Hi Emma, itsn’t technology amazing? Our Goddaughter in Honduras and here I am in Washington state and we are communicating. I like lime green, no strike that, I love hot, wild, neon lime green. There you go, your new toe nail polish color. Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate your kind words of support.
      I love you, too. Miss Daleen
      (ps. not quiet sure if I am going to be able to figure this pickle out. Don’t waste your serious military brain on that, it will all be fine.) Take care, stay safe, stay aware & keep your head down. We all think of you very single day. Our prayer candle is lit daily for your safety. You are loved and thought of every single day.

  9. Dearest Daleen –

    You can only do one thing at a time, so only focus on the next indicated thing! It sounds so cliche’ to say; however it will keep you grounded. Be Mad it is ok to scream at the top of your lungs! You can have all the pitty parties you want, I’ll bring the tea! But promise me this, after you’re done with the screaming, crying and the party is over; you must put your GLOVES on to defeat this disgusting, despicable disease and fight for your LIFE!
    I do know what one of my God given talents is, it is to be there, listen, be a shoulder, take you to appointments when you need someone, laugh or say nothing. God has graced me with the ability to be able to just sit in a hospital room, holding a hand, crying with you, not talking and I never feel the need to escape! When your in the muddy trenches and you just keep slipping to the bottom, I’ll be there to say You can do it, Daleen, you can do it!
    I know you and Bruce are the givers, but the time has come to let other help you and know that you have friends that want to be there for you. You can count on me.

    Xoxo Corel

    1. A lady left a message today on my blog and she ended by saying…………I want you to know, there is enough love to sustain you.
      Thanks for loving me by being my friend. I appreciate and value your kind spirit. Thanks for stopping by. A special thanks for the stunning red powerful toe nail polish. Such a treat. Thanks for your genuine offer of support.
      D

  10. Dear Daleen: Wow, what a punch in the stomach. As I read your blog, I could not believe what I was reading. My eyes teared up and felt your anguish. You have so many friends, and I was lucky enough to find you after all these years. I don’t want to lose you again. Please stay strong, you are one of the loveliest, generous, organized and fun people I have every known. I truly will be with you during this whole thing, I will definitely put you on my prayer chain at church and on my daily prayer list. I will ask the Lord to send you angels to watch over you, give you the fortitude to get through this whole thing. Please feel HIS tears spilling for you and hurting as you hurt. Nestle in HIS arms and he will give you rest. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

  11. Dear Day…..Larry and I went out on a ‘date’ last night and were listening to old songs. YMCA came on and my thoughts immediately went to you. I can see you driving down the road with no hands on the wheel singing at the top of your lungs and waving your arms about!! I finally read your blog tonight, how I wish I had read it earlier. I feel as if all the air has been let out of me. It’s funny (kind of), but you have been in my thoughts a lot lately. I didn’t know why, but I do now. Please know that I am sending every kind of positive thought your way ~~ even warm fuzzy ones : }! I miss you and would love to connect back with you. I love you lots dear friend…. RL, Myla

Comments are closed.