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I want to fly away.

It’s been a whole day or so, and yep, I still want Cowgirl boots.  I have no idea what I would wear them with.  Maybe I would wear them with the stupid, ugly, embarrassing gown that I have to put on every stupid time I go to the hospital?cowgirl boots, swirls  Instead of wearing the poor me, pathetic little fuzzy socks to “keep me comfy”.  I would wear fierce, kick ass cowgirl boots with swirls and sass and attitude.  I don’t have much attitude in me, lately.  Maybe wearing cowgirl boots everywhere would scream to the world I am FIERCE?  No words needed.  I have to be careful what I ask for.  Mr. Right is on a mission to give me anything I want.  To spend $500.00 on a pair of boots just to feel fierce, seems a bit much. No, we do not have an envelope for “Kick ass Cowgirl boots”.  Maybe we should?

I have a cell phone.  I love my phone.  I don’t really like talking on it.  I like reading e-mails and texting.  On some days lately, I have had a lump (hang on, not really, just figuratively speaking) in my throat and tears ready to spill over…so texting has been a wonderful answer to still talking with others.  I had a lady like cell phone cover.  Palest of pink, with pretty pale pink flowers with a cell phone cover twobutterfly and it was sweet and lovely and I SMASHED to pieces with a HAMMER.  Yeah, you read that correctly.  I SMASHED the tar out of it.  Then I kept going and SMASHED the little parts into dust.  I even managed to make a few marks in the concrete.

I bought a new cell phone cover.  Three weeks ago, I would have called it trashy looking, inappropriate and certainly not something I would ever choose or pay money for.  Today, I would call it FIERCE.   When I went to pay the girl said, it is $2.00 extra because of all the bling.  I said, ring it up, sister!cell phone cover I have never in my life felt so mad and angry and out of control.  It is something new for me.  It is very un-lady like and to be honest, I want to cuss like a sailor.   I want to beat the crap out of a pinata.  I feel like I am grasping at anything that will give me courage and a feeling of strength.  I don’t feel very graceful.    I wish I was a pilot and could fly away from all of this ugly stuff.

The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it.  Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests. ~epictetus

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6 thoughts on “I want to fly away.”

  1. Warning. “delicate” readers stop reading here.

    Feel free to use your trashy talk with me. I can handle unlady like “talk”. If there was ever a time for it, The time is now. FUCK cancer.

    PS: You are fierce!

  2. You are fierce and you will win this battle. Very glad to hear you are taking your anger out on inanimate objects! 🙂 You know we’re all standing in your corner and praying for healing and that you have the best of care… (((BEAR HUGS)))

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