part of a song (How to Live) this morning, helping me to greet the day by Point of Grace.
I am listening on Spotify however, You tube has a very good version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7HFk6flUOQ
I have been searching and looking and snooping and trying to find some positive directions to take myself. While in some of the darkest days of my life so far, I have found that I need, crave direction. I get so tangled up in “the ugly” that I can’t think straight and move in a good direction. So what really happens is that any tid bit of negativity that I hear………well, you know what happens. I hear it and review it and my brain gets stuck on a loop. Replaying it over and over and over. It is not good. It most certainly is not healthy.
While on vacation in Oregon, I tumbled upon a new to me website.
I came across www.hopefulworld.org Believe it or not I have found a sliver of hope.
What I really, really desperately need is a huge old heavy wooden door to close behind me. I need to step over the threshold and move forward. I need to make a huge effort to use both my hands to push, shove, “put my legs into it”, grunt and huff and puff and close that door, a huge burden needs to be put behind me.
The most remarkable thing hit me square in the forehead. When presented with a sliver of positive news, after being in a very dark place for six months, I somehow can’t grasp it. I can’t find the way to wrap my brain around it. I have to re-learn how to be hopeful. Somewhere along the way, I have stopped being giddy with happy, light, carefree news and have turned it into “what if’s”. What if it only lasts a month or two? What if the tests are wrong? What if I have some other disease as well? What if we have been concentrating so fiercely on one area, that something else has popped up? What if eating one inch turmeric daily actually makes you sick, not heal every cell in your body?
I want that giddy, sliver of hope, possibility back in my life. I hereby INVITE giddy hope and love back into my life. You know, that moment when in Junior High School you caught the wink of a football player? That moment in High School when you put on your Strawberry Lip Smacker Lip Gloss just before you headed out on a date? That really happy, giddy moment when you are at some fancy schmancy grown up awards dinner (surprise you are now grown up) and across the enormous round dinner table your hot husband catches your attention with a nod and you know he is esping to you………let’s blow this pop stand and make a break for it!
I want my real life back. Today, on the “hopeful world” site, I read a wonderful, skirt twirling story about remembering there is hope in love. Did you hear me universe? I want my giddy, silly, happy, joy filled, creative, good life back! May I include the words hope, joy and bravery into my vocabulary from this day forward.
This innocence — this holy and wonderful innocence — is the thing that makes us completely unafraid to love and to be loved. This very newness is what we lose when we get our hearts kicked around by life, by difficult relationships or people who leave us more hurt than whole.
Returning to this original state is the work of true warriors. It is the way of being that makes us brave, that makes us creative, that makes us open, that makes us willing to change and be changed to make more room for connection and joy.