I am having one lou lou of a time finding balance. While I recover from being extremely ill, I still have to go about my daily life. It’s really a dance. It is two days forward and one step back.
As a matter of fact, just yesterday, my eyes filled with tears as I learned about yet another favorite food I have to say good-bye to.
While I am grateful, truly grateful for another day, in my mind sometimes, it seems I should be glowing with gratitude and grace, moving gently about, pleased with everything and everyone. Yet, there are days, I am still a normal girl who wants to complain about her hair style, fuss about paint color, and whine about what to make for supper.
I am supremely grateful for walking a path of healing and yet, I somehow find the energy to grumble under my breath about having my medicine in place of lunch daily. Yes, I know how lucky I am to have the money to pay for the protocol. The stubborn 4th grade girl in me, still complains now and then. It’s not pretty, it’s just the truth.
How do I tip the balance? I am feeling so lucky and happily teeter tottering one moment and then bam, my fanny hits the ground and I need to re-group and gather some strength to push-off with my feet to send myself back up into the clouds.
There is nothing lofty about cleaning under the kitchen sink nor scrubbing the bath tub grout. I still need to vacuum out the car and feed the chickens. I need to grocery shop weekly and purchase or make gifts for others. I cannot sit each day, all day long, with my hands folded in prayer of thanksgiving. I need my hands to pull on work gloves and work. Hey, that garden hose, isn’t going to roll itself up.
I am healing every single day however, I don’t live on a movie set where I am dressed in a beautiful, embroidered gown and float among everyone being happy and serene and grateful. I still get ticked off by some folks. I still burn food. I still cuss now and then. Occasionally, I still act like a spoiled child when the “want” platform outweighs the “give” platform.
This excerpt from, The Year of Pleasure by Elizabeth Berg, has help nudge me in the right direction.
“…I know you are hurting! But what if you determined to find one thing every day that you-“
“I know. Count your blessings. Remind yourself every night of every good thing that happened to you that day.”
“No, I’m not talking about things that happen to you. I’m talking about things you make happen. I’m talking about purposefully doing one thing that brings you happiness every single day, in a very conscious way. It builds up the arsenal, Betta. It tips the balance.”
It tips the balance.
I like that way of thinking.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, (which, honestly does happen), I look for ways to build up the arsenal. I look for one thing that brings me happiness each day.
Somehow, one day has turned into the next and those days turned into a couple of months and somehow, every now and then, I forget to count the exact days on the calendar.
That jolt of the teeter totter slamming down? That happens when I panic and fret about a sore thumb or small bruise on my toe. ( Um, no, you are not sick again, maybe it is just a hang nail? Maybe it is just a bruise from stubbing your toe?) I spend way too much time each day wondering if I will get sick again.
I want to spend my time, building up the arsenal of happiness so that I tip the balance. I want to spend more time looking for happy than worrying about the bad that may come.
I look for leaves.
I look for a recipe to try.
I buy two new dresses for the sweet grandgirlies in my life.
I buy socks for Mr. Right. Somehow, seeing a man well dressed in “go to work” clothes and then knowing he has on goofy socks, makes me chortle.
For me, wrapping them in gift wrap with a pretty bow adds to the humor. Just out of the blue on a Monday night, he comes across a gift tucked into the utensil drawer or set on his desk.
A couple of weeks ago, before his chess lesson, he unwrapped chess socks. This week, because he loves pumpkin pie………Thanksgiving socks of course.
Just for happiness, every Saturday, I trade pictures of eating a banana with grand #3. We each eat a banana then trade pictures. This is HAPPINESS pure and simple folks. Makes me happy to see his picture and he gets to yell, “NANA” when he sees my picture. haha
While on a walk , I found this ginormous leaf and it made me happy. I had to share it with the grands. Golly Wally, a leaf is as big as my head? That’s happy, pure and simple.
With my heart and soul I am going to continue to look for happy. Even on the crummy days, I will continue to search.
On my search, I have stumbled upon…….ginormous leaves, shared bananas, sweet dresses and goofy socks.
It all balances out.