Sometimes I get all tangled up in being me.
I wonder what my “mission” is. Why have I been graciously given another day? Then I smile as I remember. I remember Mr. Right needs me. My kids and grands need me. My dog needs me. Someone has to fuss over them and pray for them and fret about them and cook for them and celebrate with them.
I am the one who creates the “behind the scenes” magic. Um, yes that IS a job title. Really.
Every once in a while the magic fairy hits me with the glitter stick of Grace. There are other people out there that could use a tiny bit of “magic” grace from me. Not necessarily advise…………say buh bye to sugar, step away from all dairy, stop having things dry cleaned, you are worth more than processed food, stop using air fresheners, get rid of all fluoride, mercury REALLY? and on and on the list goes………….. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and not just in the shower! Then I have to look at myself and realize……….I am not perfect either. I get it. Some choices are tough. Some folks have the luxury of “baby steps”, so maybe they are just baby stepping through this toxic mess.
One or two hours of daily studying, I choose smarty pants over fancy pants most days. I gave up fancy lotions and potions, I make my own soap, I have researched so much on deodorant, some might call me an expert or at the very least annoying (geesh), and yet, I am still a hold out on hair dye & highlighting. Yes, I am fully aware that it is toxic. I know it is a choice. I am fully aware of the toxic chemicals. Why just yesterday, my hair was cut, colored & highlighted.
Daily, I choose my words carefully. I nervously fret and teeter back and forth about telling the world, or at least my corner of it, that I am healing naturally. As I step through day 827, healing naturally, I somehow wonder if I am supposed to shout it to the world (or blog about it) that yes you can say no thank you to some very, very serious drugs and therapies and go on to thrive. On the other hand, am I suppose to study each day, gather information and never share it with another soul?
duh, I know the answer. I just don’t want to put myself out there sometimes.
“Advise is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t”. E Jong
Oh no, I am not brave enough to start my own “blurb” as one family member of mine calls it….entitled, “How I politely said no thank you to chemotherapy and radiation and lived & thrived to tell about it.” 827 days and counting. One goal is to go on living and thriving through my days so that I somehow in all the mess of life, I forget to count how many days it has been.
I secretly adored chatting with the neighbor today. The same neighbor who once this whole rhubarb started, said I had 3 “good” months left. When he said with surprise in his voice, wow, you are looking good………….I said a polite & grace filled, thank you. I didn’t tell him how many days past the 90 day mark I have thrived.
Grace allowed me not to remind him what a worm/jerk/ass he was to say that in the first place.
Note to self and everyone across the land……………..HOPE costs nothing! Never, ever, ever take away people’s HOPE. It is mean and senseless and stupid and beyond nasty. Everyone deserves HOPE.
What I am brave enough to do is this. I am brave enough & smart enough to make a hand-made card and give to someone who is just as brave as me. She is quietly living her life. She does not have a “blurb”. She is not telling others, LOOK WHAT I DID! Pat me on the back. Today, I am guessing, she is saying for the 117 time, no thank you to “one won’t hurt” offer of one cookie, or bagel or donut or piece of cake at her place of work. Sure she is struggling with inner choices. For her, it is a no brainer to say NO to all sugar……….but it is easy to say no to hair dye? Or does she feel guilty every single time she uses a dryer sheet (with 9 toxic chemicals)?
Yes, we all struggle. We are trying to unravel this mystery we call life. Some days are trickier than others. Some days, my studies take me into the world of selenium and methionine and E621, soybean lecithin………other days, I look for fabulous lipstick that is gorgeous and won’t make me sick.
Grace allows me to be better.
Grace allows me not to slap the neighbor up side the head with my flip-flop and ask him WHAT were you thinking?
Grace allows me to send a card to a friend who is walking through a tricky week.
Grace allows me to keep my mouth closed when I need to.
Grace allows me to make a card and write something that I honestly mean to someone who inspires me. She is brave and needs to be reminded of that fact.
Grace allows me to create behind the scenes magic.
…and yes, Grace is what I bathe myself in when I choose to use hair dye. Grace takes away some of the guilty sting.